We enter this world as helpless beings, completely dependent on others for our survival. As young children, we relied on our caregivers to attune to our inner landscape and tend to our physical and emotional needs. When this is done on a reliable basis, children develop a sense of trust and security with themselves, others, and the world. 

 

If, however, a child’s needs of connection and emotional attunement were repeatedly ignored, minimized or maligned by the important people in their life, they often develop attachment injuries that leave them feeling uncertain and insecure. Attachment theory helps describe how early interactions with our caregivers shapes how we seek connection throughout our lives. You may have heard of anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles which describe specific maladaptive ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in relationships that persist well after we leave home. 

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Different Injuries Create Different Styles

 

An anxious attachment style emerges when a child’s caregiver is sometimes available and sometimes distant. This inconsistency creates a feeling of insecurity in the child’s internal system. People with an anxious attachment style have a constant need for reassurance. They persistently worry about being abandoned or if the important people in their life actually love them. They struggle to set or respect boundaries and often find themselves enmeshed in the lives of others. 

 

An avoidant attachment style takes form when a child’s caregiver is routinely distant or unsafe. This can lead a child to believe that connecting with or depending on others is a liability. In adulthood, these people are typically hyper-independent and often withdraw from others when they get too close. They create boundaries that are rigid and they give off the appearance of being closed off. 

 

A disorganized attachment style is a hybrid of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It emerges when a child’s caregiver is both a source of safety and danger. This results in a push-pull dynamic where an individual might crave connection and closeness, but then suddenly withdraw when they receive it. Disorganized attachment can be incredibly confusing for both the person with this style and for the people who love them due to the back-and-forth nature of this style. 

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Why We Keep Repeating Relationship Patterns

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We’ll often keep repeating relationship patterns until we bring our unconscious content into conscious awareness. There is a phenomena known as repetition compulsion in which adults unconsciously recreate the relationship dynamics that were present in their childhood. For example, a child that grows up with an emotionally distant caregiver might become an adult who is drawn towards emotionally unavailable people. Unknowingly, they might be looking for a second chance at having their needs met by a stand-in of the person who wasn't able to meet them originally. 

 

While we can struggle with all types of relationships, our romantic partners can be the source of some of the greatest challenges we experience as adults. It is in our primary partnerships that are deepest, most primal attachment drives are activated. The attachment wounding we endured in childhood will inevitably reveal itself in our primary partnerships and will continue to do so until it is related with. 

 

Oftentimes couples fall into patterns where in an effort to get their needs met, end up engaging in behaviours that ensure those needs remain unmet. For example, one partner who desires more intimacy with their partner might become frustrated and impatient when their bids of connection are repeatedly thwarted. They might not appreciate that their partner has needs of their own that are prerequisites for intimacy, say for example, low-stress or emotional attunement. The more frustrated the impatient partner becomes, the more stress and misattunement their partner experiences, furthering the divide between them.​​

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Changing Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

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Many people seek therapy for relationship dynamics when they notice recurring patterns in how they relate to others. The people might be different, but familiar themes keep unfolding. Learning about your attachment style might provide insight into why you find yourself drawn to the same type of people and find yourself having the same type of relational challenges. Although relationship dynamics (e.g. how we communicate, connect with others, respond to stress, express needs, and resolve conflict) are largely formed through childhood experience, they are not set in stone. With intentional effort, we are capable of learning new ways of relating to others that are grounded in self-love and acceptance. 

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When awareness and skillful action is applied, even challenging relationships can become sources of connection, growth, and fulfillment. Therapy can be a place where we explore your relational patterns, examine your triggers, and learn healthier methods of interacting with others. With curiosity, effort, and patience we can free ourselves from the limiting beliefs we have about what it means to be in relationship.