Understanding Perfectionism: Why It Happens and How to Relate With It

Being conscientious and having high standards is not a problem in and of itself. These qualities help keep us organized and on track as we move towards our goals. We generally admire those who are organized, diligent, and are able to overcome obstacles in the pursuit of excellence. These individuals are often rewarded with praise and success and they inspire others with their discipline, determination, and mastery in their chosen field. 

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Trouble arises when we view specific outcomes as non-negotiable. For those wrestling with perfectionism, doing one’s best is simply not good enough. Anything less than perfect is viewed as failure. Since perfection is so difficult (if not impossible) to attain, the uncompromising pursuit of it is a path filled with anxiety, frustration, procrastination. When these impossibly high standards are not met, self-recrimination, disappointment, and shame take root. 

Signs of Perfectionism

Perfectionism might look like viewing a project as a total failure because you made a simple mistake, ignoring the positive feedback you receive and fixating on a minor error, putting off important tasks because you worry it won’t be done perfectly, or taking an hour to write an email that could’ve been written in 5 minutes. 

Perfectionism can be focused on specific areas, such as academics, appearance, relationships, or work, or it can present itself more broadly, encompassing all aspects of one’s life. Those who are afflicted with perfectionism often feel like they are always under the microscope - and that’s true. They typically have a very active inner-critic who is constantly judging their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. 

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Sometimes perfectionism develops because it provides a sense of control in an otherwise chaotic environment. Excelling academically, perfecting one’s appearance, or being the best in a particular field can be methods people use to provide stability in their life. These individuals might not have been able to control a temperamental caregiver or prevent their parents’ divorce, but they could control how hard they studied, how much they practiced a skill, or what food they put in their body. 

The high standards that you set for yourself likely served at some point. Maybe it provided you with conditional love and recognition from the people that mattered. If validation was only offered when you were ‘perfect’, it makes sense why you’d be so focused on achievement and performance. The truth is that we, especially as children, were worthy of love and connection regardless of what we achieved or how we performed. 

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How Therapy Can Help With Perfectionism

A key aspect of treating perfectionism is fostering self-compassion. This involves tending to the overworked parts of us that are trying to keep us safe. Your perfectionism served a purpose and we can honour the role it has played while simultaneously loosening its stranglehold. In our work together, we will examine the psychological roots of your perfectionism. We’ll explore the societal and family beliefs you inherited related to achievement and success. Together, we can gently challenge self-criticism, cultivate balance, and look at areas where a ‘good enough’ mindset might better serve you. 

Having a perfectionistic mindset is often emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. The narrow fixation on specific outcomes often pushes people beyond their capacity without allowing them to get the rest they truly need. Therapy can help broaden how we define success so that achievement is possible without harm to our wellbeing. If you find yourself connecting with these words, I’d be happy to have a consultation call with you.