Shame: How Early Experiences Shape Our Sense of Self

We have a complex relationship with shame. As social beings, we rely on the occasional use of healthy shame to help guide people towards prosocial behaviours. When children are learning how to relate with others, there are times when they say or do things that are inappropriate or harmful. They might hit another kid, take something that isn’t theirs, or lie to manipulate others. In these moments, the skillful use of healthy shame can be used as a corrective measure to deter these behaviours from repeating themselves.

Healthy shame or guilt is brief and proportional to the behaviour it is trying to correct. It focuses on inappropriate or anti-social behavior and doesn’t draw any conclusions about the individual’s character. Healthy shame encourages us to make amends, learn from our mistakes, and move on. It’s an important, but temporary experience. 

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When Shame Becomes Unhealthy

In contrast to healthy shame, unhealthy (or toxic) shame is persistent and non-proportional. When someone is gripped by unhealthy shame, they experience themselves as fundamentally bad, defective, or unworthy. Physically, they might feel as if they are shrinking or collapsing so as to take up less space or go unnoticed. This pervasive feeling has a profound effect on one’s sense of self and how they interact with others. Their harsh inner monologue may convince them to hide or downplay who they are, preventing them from fully showing up in their lives.  

Unhealthy or toxic shame might look like avoiding relationships due to feelings of unworthiness, not speaking up when you have something important to say, engaging in self-sabotage because you feel undeserving of success, or overachieving in order to hide perceived flaws. 

Like so many of our patterns, unhealthy shame often traces its origin to childhood. When children grow up in situations where they don’t feel adequately loved, supported, or accepted, they might reach the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with them. This internalized belief can persists long after the child has grown up and left their home environment, often leading to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy coping strategies in adulthood. 

Even if our childhood home was full of love and acceptance, unhealthy shame may take root through the other social environments we were a part of. Being teased at school, bullied at the workplace, or rejected by a romantic interest can leave a lasting imprint. Moreover, the harmful cultural messages we're exposed to regarding what it means to be desirable and successful can fuel self-loathing, disconnection, and shame. 

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Getting To The Root

Since unhealthy shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, treating it often begins by reaching out for support. Sharing how we’re feeling with trusted individuals reminds us that we’re not alone. It also brings our shame into the light where it wields less power. In our work together, we can explore the origins of your internalized shame and tend to the sensations that have been stored in your body. We’ll identify and challenge negative beliefs you have about yourself and we’ll find ways to cultivate more self-compassion in your life. 

Unhealthy shame can feel like a crippling burden that we have to hide from others. If you’re ready to let go of this weight, I’d be happy to have a consultation call with you to see if we’d be the right fit.