The Importance of Attunement

A child’s nervous system is shaped by those around them, particularly by those responsible for their care. When we were little, we weren’t able to independently regulate our internal state. We relied upon our caregivers to pick up on cues that something was off when we weren’t able to directly communicate the specifics of the problem. When we were hungry, sad, or scared, we depended on our caregivers to notice our signs of distress and help us feel sated, safe, and secure. 

Self-regulation isn’t a skill that we intuitively possess from the get-go. Knowing how to bring regulation to our nervous system is a skill that we learn through practice. Ideally, a regulated nervous system of a caregiver will help bring organization to a child’s inner world. Through their attuned responsiveness, a caregiver teaches a child how to bring stability to their developing nervous system. As the child grows older, they internalize these responses and behaviours, thereby learning how to take care of their needs on their own. 

Our brains are wired to respond to others through cells known as mirror neurons. When we witness someone perform an action or express an emotion, these mirror neurons are activated as if we had performed that action or expressed that emotion ourselves. Alongside other nervous system processes, this helps explain why we may feel anxious around nervous people or feel sad when we see someone crying. Our internal experience reflects what we observe others do. 

Children are hyper-sensitive to the emotional states of others, particularly to their caregivers’. When a parent is upset, angry, or depressed, it can be especially challenging for the child who has not yet learned how to cultivate their own internal stability and groundedness. If a caregiver isn’t able to manage their difficult emotions in the presence of their child, they may overwhelm their child’s developing nervous system. If a caregiver is frequently distracted or emotionally unavailable, it can signal to a child’s nervous system that they have been left on their own. This can be true even if the caregiver is physically present. 

If your parents weren’t able to provide adequate attunement to you growing up, it doesn’t mean that they were bad caregivers. The vast majority of parents are doing the best they can with the resources and information available to them. As adults, it’s never too late to learn how to bring regulation to our internal state. Our brains are malleable and our habitual ways of operating are not set in stone. While bringing stability to our nervous system involves important individual practices such as prioritizing sleep, movement, and mindfulness, regulation is also deeply relational. The safe and attuned connections we share with friends, partners, relatives, or counsellors can help organize our internal state, helping cultivate more presence, ease, and groundedness over time.