Understanding People-Pleasing

Are you afraid of stating your authentic thoughts and feelings because you worry you might upset those around you? Do you say yes to requests even when it’s something you don’t wish to do? Do you habitually neglect your needs in order to meet the wants and needs of others? If you answered yes to these questions, you might be a people-pleaser. If so, I can relate. 

People pleasing, also known as fawning, is a learned behaviour that causes someone to prioritize others at their own expense in order to maintain connection. Like so many learned behaviours, people-pleasing typically traces its origin to our earlier years.

When they were young, people-pleasers were often forced to stifle the full expression of their authentic self. For example, if a child’s caregiver is emotionally volatile and unable to handle certain aspects of their child’s personality, a child will learn that it is safer to withhold in order to preserve the connection. Some children are taught that it's their responsibility to keep the unstable adults in their life happy. Others were swiftly punished or emotionally abandoned when they expressed themselves or tried establishing a boundary. In all of these cases, the implicit message is: When you share your genuine feelings and speak your truth, you will suffer.

It’s important to mention that people-pleasing is not solely the result of growing up with misattuned parents. Some people-pleasers were raised by very loving and attuned caregivers, but there were other individuals (e.g. unsafe kids at school, relatives, teachers, etc.) who they had to appease in order to remain safe. 

Because they were forced at an early age to prioritize how others felt, those who people-please are constantly scanning to make sure that everyone else is doing okay. In doing so, they often struggle to check-in with themselves. They might find it difficult to form their own opinions or lack awareness regarding how they truly feel. They’re often particularly sensitive to how others perceive them and will abandon themselves to ensure that others view them favourably. They might apologize for things that aren’t even their fault and they typically go out of their way to be that ‘perfect’ friend, employee, partner, etc. 

Those of us with a tendency to people-please often struggle with authenticity. When we try so hard to be what others want, we are forced to reject parts of ourselves. Over time, this self-abandonment inevitably leads to resentment. It doesn’t feel good to do and say things that are not true to who we are. We get irritated when we find ourselves once again unable to speak our truth. Those we perceive as burdening us with their demands are the targets of our hidden resentment. Why can’t they see how this affects me? How can they be so self-centered? Speaking from personal experience, it often feels safer to blame others than it is to acknowledge we’ve abandoned ourselves. 

Sometimes it is helpful to ask ourselves if the people we are trying to please are as unsafe or fragile as we assume them to be. Your caregiver may’ve been unable to take no for an answer, but maybe your co-workers can. Your parents may have only shown you love when you were compliant and agreeable, but maybe your partner actually finds it attractive when you disagree or stand your ground. The kids at school may not have been safe, but maybe your adult friends are.

As with any deeply ingrained survival strategy, when addressing one’s tendency to people-please it’s usually best to start small. In the early stages of change, we want to set ourselves up for success. Is there a situation in your life where the stakes are low and it feels safe to express your authentic thoughts and feelings? Is there a person with whom you can practice unapologetically stating your wants and needs?

Each time you express yourself honestly, you build more trust with yourself. Over time, the tendency to people-please and self-abandon diminishes, making room for more authentic and fulfilling relationships.